Emotions
by Chandy-girl
Summary: Spike reflects on life and Buffy.


A/N I own nothing (sadly). All characters belong to Joss Whedon. Song is Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow _

Spike loved her. That's all he cared about, he didn't care what it took; he just wanted to be near her. He needed to feel her presence to know that he was still here and he would give up anything to have her alive and with him. What he also knew was that she needed him; no matter how much she denied it, she needed him. And as long as she needed him he'll be there.

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now_

He was evil. There was no doubt in that; he knew that, Buffy knew that, they all knew that. But he didn't care. He had Buffy and she, in his eyes, was the purest good, and he could live of that for now. He could feel he was changing with every moment he spent with her. He could feel himself becoming new and different and he wasn't sure if anyone else noticed it, but the one thing he did know was he didn't want to go back to what he was before, just after everyone had started to accept him.

And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life

He savoured every moment with her. He forgot everything else; the whirlwind of emotions he had just cut him off from the rest of time and reality, all he saw was her. She was now a part of his life, he couldn't live without her and he didn't know if that was a good thing. She was his world, the air he breathed, the ground beneath him and he knew soon it was going to be ripped away from him.

_Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight _

He knew it was going to come to an end. There was no denying it. He was a vampire and she was the slayer, there was no way they could keep this going. He wanted to keep to going though, for as long as he could and he could pretend that forever that they'd be together. But for now the present was all that he had.  
_  
And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand _

No one understood him; he was the paradox vampire. **'Can't be human, can't be a vampire,'** the slayer once said to him. She didn't realise how right she was. Ever since he got that chip he has been bordering the line of good and evil and he didn't know which side he was going to step off into.

_When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am _

The world wasn't black and white, he realised that a while ago, but what he didn't realise was how many shades of grey there was. He always thought that he was ebony black, the darkest of the dark, a proper creature of the night. But she had changed that, she had made everything spin around, he was no longer black no he was grey. But whether he was a deep grey or a paler shade, he didn't know. 

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies

She had been broken ever since she came back and in his opinion it was his job to fix her, to make her the feisty slayer she was before. She was different now, he could see it in her eyes, there was pain there, and a brand new type of pain, the sort of pain which you get after someone has ripped a part of you out. It was like she was missing a part of her soul. She lied to him. He knew that, but he couldn't help believing before the lies there was a hesitation and she was hiding more than he could see. She knew that he lied to her too; well at least he hoped she did. He sometimes said thing that he didn't mean, to hurt her in the same ways that she hurts him and regrets it instantly.

_When everything seems like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive _

Sometimes life didn't feel real. The world it was strange and different to him, as if there was more... More what? He didn't know, it was too hard to explain. It was like seeing the world in high definition instead of standard, it was like the world was more 'alive', which was ironic, since he was dead. He always came back to earth when he fought though. It was as if the fight could make him feel grounded; let him see that sometimes that the world wasn't a fairytale. Fighting gave him the sense of realism.

And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand

The world didn't want to acknowledge that he existed. To them he was a myth, a creature that lurked in peoples nightmares, and he didn't know what they'd do if they found out their nightmares were alive and kicking. It was good that they didn't see him, some people deserved not to know what lurked out there, hidden in the darkness.

_When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_He just wanted Buffy to accept him. That's all he needed, for Buffy to know what he was doing for her, for her to understand that he loved her. He wanted her to know who he was.

__

Please review. I would be eternally grateful :)


End file.
